Thursday, September 30, 2010

83rd. Stroke

Which is more of an illusion? Safe and secure or Threatened? If you feel over confident you could end up making a mistake and getting hurt. If you are to trusting you could leave yourself vulnerable and compromised. If you feel threatened you end up living behind a wall of suspicion weary of everyone's motives.This feeling can make you shut out anything good. This is a feeling I've lived w/most of my life and am trying to change. And In the long run It doesn't really make you safer, just lonelier.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

82nd. Stroke

I have a subject today. Tension. I feel it off people and it stresses out my whole system. I don't know why it bothers me so much (well I have some ideas) but often it will alter the course of my mood completely. I have PTSD so banging and yelling definitely set this off but I'm talking about just the feeling in the air. I must be over sensitive or just paranoid. I guess regardless of why it happens It isn't comfortable. I would like to know if anyone has advice or different methods that they know of or use that they would like to share with me. Thank you -Josh

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

81st. Stroke

It was rainy all day here which would usually get me down but today was okay. I worked in the wood shop all day fixing broken chairs. I really enjoy that type of work so It went by quickly. I also had a couple of positive conversations with some friends. And then tonight I talked to one of my best friends who I had lost contact with for years. So it was a good one. Of course it is kind of hard to have a bad one if it starts with french toast and hot coffee. Today's color is green and it's dedicated to another friend of mine Amy. She says the color is kinda symbolic of nature & life.

Monday, September 27, 2010

80th. Stroke

80th. stroke and entry. I guess once you get in a routine you don't notice the time go by as quick. These days I stick to a schedule that I have adjusted to. Meals and work always at the same time. I enjoy my work so much that it's not even like I'm working. And I know exactly how much free time I have so I can plan for the best use. Things aren't that bad. ( Have you ever written a bunch of stuff and thought about it like you were talking and all these people are listening but their not, they are reading it and you don't Know if anyone is even there? That just happened to me.) Good night.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

79th. Stroke

I spent most of the day outside. We cooked eggs and sausage over an outdoor rock grill and ate near a stream. Then I went for a walk and took a bunch of pictures of the changing leaves. After that I sat for a little while and read. I was pretty shaky today so it made reading hard. My medication makes it so I have trouble even holding things some days. I've been seeing a neurologist to try and find out if there are other things going on. Oh well, we will know soon. (I thought the orange I used today could represent the leaves changing but then I remembered that I'm on the Internet and not everyone's leaves are changing so it is going to be for pumpkin pie instead.)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

78th Stroke

I was happy to be able to have a showing of my project today in front of a live get together of musicians, writers and artists. I displayed nice colorful prints from different segments of the paintings progression and hung the original behind where the other people where performing. This made me nervous at first but a lot of people seemed to like it and it's meaning and that made me feel good.

Friday, September 24, 2010

77th. Stroke

I got to start this morning with a CAT scan at 8:30. Then I had meetings for the afternoon. It aggravates me that I go for these tests but then I have to wait for the Dr. to tell me about them later. This evening was nice. I was able to hang out with my mom. I really need to get some sleep.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

76th. Stroke

Today I had a traumatic morning. I have been having trouble sleeping more than three or four hours a night for over a week now. Then last night I had to stay up for a EEG in the morning. The EEG freaked me out a lot. They had me get all relaxed until I fell asleep for about 45 minutes and then all of the sudden voices came through speakers all around me and strobe lights went off all around me. It was almost like one of the nightmares I've been having at night. Anyway, I hope you like the painting and good night.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

75th. Stroke

It was nice out today.I talked to my dad for the first time in a while and that went well. He sounded busy. I'm feeling lethargic today and that's not a sign. The full moon tomorrow could be messing with me.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

74th. Stroke

I'm having a hard time thinking about explaining my mental illness to my kids. I don't know if they would even understand. I don't know if it would make them unnecessarily worried. I just keep thinking about it and weather they know or not it is effecting them everyday. So I guess I need to find the best way of going about this. -J

Monday, September 20, 2010

73rd. Stroke

Today I got up with some energy even though I didn't go to sleep until around 4am. I cleaned, did laundry, painted, wrote some and then finely when I tried to read some I was out. Today I continued painting the house I was working on last week. Another perfect day for painting. Dark blue fall sky, colorful trees all around. Today's stroke represents my manic loopines that Is obviously in full swing. Oh, I almost forgot. From about a foot to the left of the moon from where I was standing was Jupiter. I looked through my friend's telescope and was able to see all four moons (two on each side) in a perfect row. Pretty cool what's out there. Between those four and our moon that is enough for one night.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

72nd. Stroke

Today I woke up late and got a huge shot of anxiety. I was in such a hurry to get ready to see my kids and my mom. They showed up about 15 minutes later and the rest of the day was great. Things always seem to work out and my stress doesn't make things happen any quicker. The only thing that seems to go by fast is the time when my kids are visiting. (I apologize for not having yesterdays pictures up until today. There was something wrong with the uploading.)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

71st. Stroke

Today was a beautiful day weather wise but stormy within. I try to have some kind of strategies in place for different things that can come up over the day. The problem is some of these things that present themselves feel like they cause a chemical reaction rather than just a emotional one and my good planning is out the window. This causes me to be scared, embarrassed, angry, depressed and even sometimes over happy (like I just don't care). Today instead of dealing w/one or two of those things (which is about my average) I went through all of them and am dealing w/some paranoia right now.

Friday, September 17, 2010

70th. Stroke

I would consider my life pretty good right now and I'm actively working on ways to make it better. If you have been following this blog you know that when I discover a useful tool in my life I like to share it. I am having a bit of a dilemma. Recently I have changed allot of things in my life and I have so many things I want to do now. I have a consistent work schedule and then all these other things. I don't know. Anyway I will figure it out.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

69th. Stroke

Today started beautify with a huge stack of pancakes and a big cup of coffee. I then did some plumbing work for the rest of the day until my appointment. That's when my day shifted. I just have the hardest time grasping the concept of trusting some stranger with my personal feelings and experiences. I spoke to someone else about this and they helped me to realize that it's not the person I have the trouble with it's what they represent to me.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

68th. Stroke

Today started out pretty ruff for me. I had two bad interactions before a cup of coffee. I don't see how there could actually be some other kind. I've seen civilized folks in a long line at the coffee shop see someone in front of them take a couple extra seconds and you would think there was a bear separated from it's cubs. People who drink it know what I'm saying and people who don't will probably find out. The rest of my day was fine.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

67th. Stroke

I spent the whole day outside painting a house and it couldn't have been any nicer. I'm in a great mood today. On top of the perfect weather my dad sent me a package of some really good books. I'm going to go start reading one now.

Monday, September 13, 2010

66th. Stroke

It started out as a stereotypical Monday would. I woke up late, forgot stuff at home that I needed and then as I was getting used to the fact that it was just because it was Monday I realized I had to rush to an appointment where all the other people were also having Mondays. Looking forward to Tuesday.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

65th. Stroke

It's amazing how a little complement can make you feel. Letting someone know that you appreciate them can only make both of you happy. All the comments and likes I get for this project make me really happy and some days that's everything.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

64th. Post

Well today I put a huge red stroke representing my excitement for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I allowed myself to go beyond my comfort zone which has been a problem lately. Secondly by doing this I was able to hang out with some of my family and go to the museum for the day. I got to see Picasso and Degas exhibit along w/many other artist's paintings and sculptures. What more can I say. It was a great day.

I apologize for not having a picture for you at the moment. The upload is not working. You can view it however at


Friday, September 10, 2010

63rd. Stroke

I had a great day today. I guess I was just in the right frame of mind. It even seemed like a couple things where thrown my way to test it. Even though they where things that normally would have made me react I didn't skip a beat. I like to write in the morning and this morning I wrote a list of ten things I'm grateful for. You should try it.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

62nd. Post

Today's color is orange which represents the changing leaves that I have been enjoying on my hikes. It's my favorite time of year. The air is clear, crisp and starting to drop. Perfect for that morning jog, comfortable all day and the best for sleeping at night.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

61st. Stroke

Half a week already gone bye. Today I have more energy than yesterday. I worked inside the wood shop all day fixing chairs. I had allot of meetings today. The meetings are fine I just wish they weren't all in one day. It seems like every time I start getting into my work I have to stop and get to the meeting causing myself unnecessary stress. I am going to reorganize my Wednesdays. Life to me seems like a series of little fixes.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

60th. Stroke

I had a good day. I am feeling kind of run down. I worked most of the day in the direct sun. Between that and not smoking my mood has become negative. I also had a hike planned to go see where these beaver had built a seven foot tall dam. When I went to get my camera my batteries where dead. Time to call it and start over tomorrow.

Monday, September 6, 2010

59th. Stroke

I sent a message to a friend of mine earlier today that talked about all the different things I have been doing lately and as I wrote all this stuff out I realized that I was attempting to change allot of things at once. So far this is working out fine but it made me think to myself about the old analogy of "spinning to many plates." So I am going to be cautious knowing that when something I'm working on really hard goes wrong it takes me a while to recover.